Short and Sweet!

Sometimes, it’s necessary for us to hurt the ones we love. In doing so, we can only hope to inspire them to reach beyond themselves and accomplish things they might otherwise have never thought possible. Godspeed? Indeed! :)

Music is Happiness

I realized something very important today.  Last night, I wrote a song and posted it to my SoundCloud account (http://soundcloud.com/epicjuicebox).  At work, a close friend of mine approached me and sang significant praise for my work.  While I was explaining to him how I composed and recorded the material on my own, a little light bulb shone over my head.  The skill I have to sit down with a guitar and create is not a skill that many people possess.  Answering questions about what, to me, seemed a rather elementary effort and explaining how I achieved such an explicitly impressive feat, I thought to myself, "I've really done something special here!"  It's not uncommon for me to undervalue my skills and abilities, but with this I feel I've done myself a great injustice.  To take a talent so unique and expressive as this and write it off as nothing extraordinary is the very definition of folly!

When people ask me to tell them something interesting about myself, the fact that I am a musician is not always the first thing that comes to mind.  Why is that?  Perhaps because I think I have a lot to learn yet.  That I'm nothing special.  Now, I'm not here to tell you, my readers, that I am God's gift to music - by any means.  On a given day, I would argue quite the contrary!  But situations like what occurred today occur more often than I give credit.  And for the longest time, I have unwittingly downplayed my gift.  No longer!

We all have something we're good at, and we all bring something to the table that nobody else can bring.  That's what makes us unique!  So my call to you today is to think about that one thing that sets you apart - that makes you who you are and that nobody on this earth could ever dream of emulating.  My call to you is to be PROUD of that one thing!  Because the second we forget how incredible our contribution to this life is, we begin to die.  And to die before your time is the greatest of all injustices...

That said, I'd like to dedicate this post to my brother, Adam.  His gift lives on with those of us who knew him best.  And I would consider myself fortunate that when my time came, those who knew me best would say the same thing of me.  I miss you, little brother!  We all do!

What is love?

For purely contemplative reasons, I've decided tonight to talk a bit about love.  No four letter word in the English language carries more weight, in my opinion.  Love builds us up, and just as easily tears us down.  It binds us.  And breaks us.  However, I think it's important to note that love means different things to different people.  Some of us love blindly, even recklessly.  Others with the utmost care or caution.  Regardless of how and why we choose to love, it bears to mention that in doing so we are all making a choice.  That choice is based on a series of complicated decisions and internal conversations.  Whether it takes us days or weeks, months or years to muster the courage to utter the word, we are each likely to do so at the indeterminate risk of absolute vulnerability.  And in that moment, we stand to experience either the most thrilling of highs, or the lowest of crippling lows.  For me, that moment is the first true test of love.  But through its passing is born the most difficult test of all... that of nurture and sustenance, commitment and longevity.  I'll quote one of my all time favorite movies by saying that, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."  [Name that movie!]  Then, I'll offer that to learn this valuable lesson means to first understand what love means to you.  Inside and out.  As again, that definition can vary greatly from person, to person, to person, ad nauseum (I assure you, no pun intended)!

That said, let's explore together what love means to this occasional blogger and enthusiast on the matter.  I'll begin by sharing first what I feel that love 'is not':

Love is not a fairy tale.  It rarely comes easy, and the cost can be astronomical.  Some say love is fleeting, but I disagree.  On the contrary, I'd argue that love in its purest form is everlasting!  Why those who feel that it comes and goes are likely to feel as such, I'd wager, is because they are unwilling or unable to put forth the considerable amount of effort necessary to keep the fire burning.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: there is a difference between feeling 'in-love' and truly knowing or giving love (in the unconditional sense, at least).  I'll go a step further by saying that - in my opinion - the primary reason more than half of all marriages end in divorce these days might just be that so few of us really and truly understand this difference.  All it takes is a spark to light the fire.  But that fire will not burn forever without constant care and attention - especially if the environment and conditions surrounding the flame are inconsistent or unstable.  Further, love is not merely a mood to be lumped in with happy or elated, downtrodden or depressed.  Rather, it is an ideal or value which transcends emotion, and underlies all things!

I stand that having a firm grasp on what love 'is not' is essential to understanding what love 'is'.  My thoughts on this flip-side of the coin are as follows.  Love, to me, 'is':

Letting your guard down.  Making your heart available.  Feeling safe and secure.  Nurturing dreams and fighting away demons.  Accepting others' faults and admitting your own - fearlessly.  Reserving harsh judgment.  Offering guidance.  Taking a leap and trusting that you WILL be caught.  Keeping warm on a cold night.  Looking forward, never backward.  Falling down and getting back up.  Learning to fly.  Landing together.  Finding strength and sharing weakness.  Having fun.  Hoping.  And caring more for someone else than you do for yourself.  I'll be honest, I could go on for days.  But you get the idea!

Do I practice what I preach?  Maybe not all the time.  But would I say I'm in love?  You bet your ass I would!  <3  Your homework assignment this week is to take a moment and reflect on what love means to you.  But please, don't feel like you have to use so many words!

Our Days, Comfortably Numbered

Generally speaking, when we think about our comfort zones, we're thinking about a place where we feel safe and secure.  But what we often forget is that the comfort zone can be a dark and dangerous place where we unwittingly shield ourselves from personal growth and development.  We miss out on new and exciting experiences because we're afraid to stray too far from our happiest of places.  Further, renaming our comfort zones as such - to call them our happy places - can intensify the damage a thousand fold.  The words 'comfortable' and 'happy' aren't even remotely close to being interchangeable, yet we do it all the time.  I do it all the time.  And this is a lesson I should've learned a long time ago...

Now, to say that I'm living within my comfort zone at present is just about as far from the truth as one could possibly traverse.  Anyone who's ever been in a similar situation has almost certainly entertained the thought of going back.  Curling up into a nice, warm little ball and drifting off into what I might go so far today as to call a state of hibernation.  I've been in these situations before - countless times - and I've entertained such thoughts to be sure.  But not this time.  This time, I feel differently.  Like the first time I stepped into a toy store as a child.  The world just looks alive - busting at the seams with color, light, and life!  To pass up an opportunity to explore this world would be a grave mistake... so off I go!

I don't know how often my readers go on adventures of their own, but I encourage you if it's been awhile to maybe give it a go.  Try something simple - like walking your dog without shoes, or going to a different grocery store.  If you go for the latter, try buying something you wouldn't normally buy.  Or better yet, don't buy anything you've ever bought before.  Change brands.  Change habits.  Change hearts.  Change lives!  I'd be willing to bet every ounce of my self-worth that the bigger the change, the bigger the adventure.  They say you only live once.  But I dare to say that some among us never live at all.  Don't let that be you!

When Life Gives You Lemons

There are entire schools of thought devoted to the idea that forgiveness is an imperative.  But there are times when it can be very difficult to abide by this unwritten rule - and if I may be so bold, I'd wager that each and every person who reads this entry has experienced at least once in their life a time when forgiveness seemed more than a step shy of impossible.  [Present company most certainly NOT excluded!]  However, tonight I was thinking on the subject and I had a bit of an epiphany: what if the only reason we perpetuate these grudges - whether they be inflicted by a person, a circumstance, dumb luck, or what have you - is because we refuse to forget them.  We hold onto them, we feel them day in and day out, fight and even burn for them - sometimes to the extent that we do massive, almost irreparable damage to our own lives and the lives of those we hold dear.  We breathe life into them.  Resuscitate them.  And we do this because we feel like to we have to stick to our guns!  We can't show weakness!  We were wronged, and the universe owes us an apology!

[Assuming an apology would even be enough, right?!]

Anyway.  I don't think it's necessary to feel this way.  So I'd like to try an experiment.

I've been through a lot in the last year, and I'd be remiss to act like I didn't feel like I was wronged in one way or another.  Whether that's true or not is beyond me to decide, and to be honest I'm exhausted to death for thinking so much about it.  At this point, I don't want any apologies.  I don't want revenge.  And for the first time in a long time, I feel comfortable admitting that I don't want things set right either.  My life.  Right now.  This instant.  Is a culmination of all the events that led up to it!  And I may not be exactly where I want to be, have the things I want to have, or even be the person I think I am.  But I don't think holding onto these old, rotten lemons is going to do myself or anyone else a bit of good!  I've analyzed them.  Looked at them from every angle.  I've called in experts.  Talked with friends.  I've worn them on my sleeve more times than I like to admit.  Aut now, they've dried up and molded to the point that I can't even tell they used to be lemons.  I think it's time to throw them away.  Time to stop perpetuating the grudge and just forget about them!

Now, does that mean forgiving them?  Not necessarily.  But maybe it's through forgetting that we free ourselves up to allow time - and perhaps powers beyond our control - to forgive these things on our behalf.  To be clear, I'm also not saying let's forget they ever existed.  Instead, let's acknowledge their existence here and now, take stock of what we learned from them, and simply put them behind us - carrying our learnings forward!  Sounds easy, right?  Debatable.  Probably not, actually.  But it's certainly a hell of a lot easier than the alternative, eh?  Tell you what, I'll let you know how it goes - how about, let's say, one year from today!

As always, I hope someone somewhere gets something out of this.  Until next time...

All Dressed Up and Down

When life isn't going exactly the way we'd like, it can be difficult to find the strength to pick ourselves up and keep on going.  There are times when simply staying in and curling up with a good book or shutting down while the characters from our favorite shows fill the room with familiar voices offers the just the right level of comfort and solace.  In times like this, it's often said that withdrawing from your friends and loved ones is the last thing you want to do... but I don't know how true I find this statement.  Personally, I don't see anything wrong with taking a night off from life to unwind and try to forget about all those things that are weighing us down.  To escape from time to time.  Just like our laptops and cell phones reach that critical, low battery threshold now and then - begging us to plug them in and let them recharge - our bodies and minds require breaks.  And we would be remiss not to allow ourselves respite.

On the flip side, I think it's important to remember that getting out and mixing it up is how we build our support systems.  The friends we make through various societal meanderings.  The important contacts we acquire by hobnobbing and networking.  These are vital relationships that can act as insurance, offering unparalleled peace of mind.  The knowledge that we will never have to face our problems alone.  At times, we may not feel capable of getting cleaned up, fixing our hair, putting on our favorite outfits, and faking smiles in spite of life.  We may not even feel that reaching out to these people will do us any good when the chips are down and the gears start to grind.  Regardless, we can count on our support systems: friends, family, coworkers, and even at times those fringe acquaintances who surprise us by reaching out and letting us know they care.  These systems - a product of our social interactions and careful cultivation of interpersonal relationships - are always there!

I'm guilty of sometimes forgetting this.  Taking it for granted, even.  Especially when things are good my perceived need for support is comparatively limited or non-existent.  But on my worst days, I know that all I have to do is say the word and in moments I'll be reaping the incomparable reward of all that preparatory socializing.  Networking.  Conversing.  Shaking hands and introducing.  Sending friend requests.  Following.  Recognizing, smiling, and waving.  This is how we come to know the people we know, and grow to be able to count on them when we need a helping hand.

So the moral of the story?  If you have the energy, go out!  Make friends.  Meet new people.  Keep developing your closest networks and nurture those all-important family connections.  Get cleaned up, fix your hair, put on your favorite outfit, and smile like you f*ckin' mean it!  And when you need to recharge, by all means recharge.  We'll all still be here when you're ready to come back out and play!

Ours Is Not To Be Perfect

Every whole is made up of nothing more than the sum of its many parts.  To take away even the tiniest thing - be it a secret or a fear, a fret or a single cell of fat - would leave you with something less than what was.  Or even what could be.  The promise of a whole becomes a painting - nearly complete - now stashed away behind a pile of miscellany in some unknown artist's loft.  A song without a chorus.  Shallow and incomplete.

Suffice it to say that to be whole is absolutely not akin to being perfect; for there are boundless imperfections to be found in all manner of pretty things.  Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper - as it has been handed down through the years - is all but weathered and ruined.  Yet people from all over the world travel great distances to stand in a room and simply gaze upon it.  Marvel at it.  The truth herein is undeniable.  The sum of its parts.  Rife with imperfections.  Remains whole.  Cherished and complete.

By this design, there is a certain beauty that comes with imperfection that can be lost as we seek to replace character and depth with prime and polish.  Ask any Star Wars fan whether they prefer the original theatrical trilogy to its 'Special Edition' re-release that came about in 1997, and you'll undoubtedly hear the truth.  Ask anyone fortunate enough to observe Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam as it graced the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel before its refinement was commissioned in 1979, and again you'll likely hear the truth.

The application of this truth is perhaps best suited to self image.  Every day, many of us race toward perfection at a pace that all but completely drains us.  Some of us toil ceaselessly to reach nigh unattainable goals, while others simply buckle under the pressure and lose their lust for life.  The ripples created in the process at times become like tidal waves, breaking unexpectedly over connections far removed from the source of the struggle.  A struggle which often lies within.  Shakespeare himself could not have written a greater tragedy.

I feel like I ought to close this entry by clarifying that I do NOT feel as though all attempts at self improvement are without merit.  Rather, what I hope to leave you with is that perhaps it wouldn't hurt to stop and listen to what our audience has to say about whether or not we should pursue these things so fervently.  We should ever remember the lesson brought to us by George Lucas (and the far more obscure Gianluigi Colalucci): sometimes we deliver a package that brings the world to its knees.  To take it away, change it dramatically, and attempt to redeliver it is not always likely to produce the same feelings or emotions solicited by the original.  Perhaps to be perfect is to be imperfect.

Please Excuse My Exuberance

Sometimes I get so caught up in everything life has to offer that I forget to sit down and write a little something about it.  Regrettably, it's the good times that usually get neglected in this particular forum.  That's not to say I don't still take the time to reflect.  Just that I neglect to reflect publicly.  So for those of you, my readers, who have missed hearing from me for the past several weeks, I offer my humblest of apologies!

Over the course of the past few months, I have caught myself wondering time and time again whether or not there might be an upper limit to the amount of joy and excitement any one human being is allowed to experience before things go sour or mellow off.  And to date, the only conclusion I've been able to reach is this: perhaps it simply isn't healthy to ponder such preposterous perplexities.

I have recently been blessed with an unfathomably favorable work situation, my classes at Tusculum couldn't be going better, I've remained in comfortable financial standing for over a year since I set out on my own, and my band is about to make a considerable splash on the local scene after what seems like an eternity of inactivity.  I'm about to celebrate my 29th year alive on this earth, and I am overflowing!

All things considered, if you were to ask me to pin down the single, most significant source of this ostensibly salient sprightliness, all signs would invariably point to a girl.  The feeling I get when I'm with this girl.  When I see her face.  Hear that infectious laugh of hers.  Even just thinking about her in those far too frequent moments when the two of us are off doing whatever it is we do while we're apart...

If I may borrow from the immortal words of former pop sensation, Ashlee Simpson:
this girl absolutely makes me wanna LA LA!

(And I mean that, of course, in a completely non-sexual way!  *wink*)

I could go on, but at this point I'm just gushing.  I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.  I know I say this all the time, but for all intents and purposes I will try my utmost to keep these coming on at least a slightly more regular basis than in weeks past.  Until next time, stay your minds to thoughts of what could go wrong and when it might happen.  Instead, focus on squeezing every last ounce of happiness, fulfillment, joy, and excitement out of each and every passing moment!

If you can't say anything nice...

 
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm about as ready to ring in a new year as I've ever been in my entire life.  2011 has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.  I can honestly say it was the year that life - as I had grown to know and love it - was forever changed in the most radical of ways.  I saw the only truest form of love I had experienced to date dissolve, leaving in its wake a seemingly boundless stream of opportunity and promise.  I was reminded that no matter how well you think you know yourself, you can always learn new and exciting things.  I've made a wealth of new friends and re-connected deeply with a number of those I already had (and arguably took for granted).  And my future transformed from a near certainty into a wide open sea of mystery and wonder - much to my unabashed amazement!

In just a couple days, we'll be celebrating the birth of 2012.  As likely are all of you, I'm already thinking of what I'd like the year to bring.  I'm setting new goals for myself.  Making new plans.  And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I feel like I'm positioned to achieve the relative greatness that has eluded me for as long as I can remember.  I hope the rest of you will join me in raising a glass to this amazing thing we call life.  Let's all together take the bull by the horns and become whatever it is we've always wanted to be!  Here's to whatever lies on the next page!  *clink*

What should I be doing?

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a pretty organized person. I like things a certain way. And when the order of my surroundings is compromised, I take immediate action. Almost unconsciously. Instinctively. It just seems natural to me to want to set things right. In a sense, I think it's this particularly idiosyncratic personality trait of mine that's kept me from buckling under the pressure of some determinately preeminent life changes. It's been a challenge, but I think I'm close to once again having everything in its right place. Still, I can't help but notice that something is missing. Something critical. I know now better than ever what that significant something happens to be, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to go about obtaining it. I think Jason Schwartzman put it best in the opening scene to I Heart Huckabees, which goes as follows:

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? [...] I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!"

Maybe that's a little over the top, but I can't help but share a similar underlying sentiment with regard to my life of late. And I'm not quite sure the best way to go about addressing it. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing either. I feel like I need to try something else. Something new. A different approach. But as for what that looks and feels like? I am at a complete and utter loss!

Humble Pie

If you've ever been burned, you know how much it hurts.  Every time I touch my hand to a hot eye on the stove, the first place my reactive mind goes is, "Holy piss, who the fuck left that shit on?!"  Then, as the initial shock wears off, I fall quiet.  Feel silly, even.  And in a matter of seconds, the pain fades into memory.

I've spent the better part of the last eight months burning hot with anger over the way one particular aspect of my life was unfolding.  But instead of stepping out of the fire, I continued to stand right smack in the middle of it.  I wanted it to keep burning - even got to a point where I was comfortable with the pain.  You might even say - for a minute - I was loving it!  I know it sounds ridiculous.  Idiotic.  As I'm writing this, I'm shaking my own head with disbelief.  And now, my reflective mind is asking, "Holy hell, what the fuck was wrong with you man?!"

In all seriousness, someone finally reached out and pulled me from the fire tonight (special props to you - you know who you are)!  Now, for the first time in eight months, I can see well beyond the flames and smoke.  I'll certainly say, it feels good to be out of there.  Dust myself off.  At the same time, that fire burned so hot for so long that it left one hell of a crazy mess.  The fallout is astounding.  And I'm sure I must look all kinds of awful...

It may not be a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days... months?  Who knows.  However long it takes, though, I look forward to feeling silly about all this.  A good friend said to me just moments ago, "What we do next is what matters, and all we have control over."  I think that's my cue to work on a plan.  So, with a clear head and a positive outlook: I'm on it!


Thank you all for sticking by me through this incredibly difficult time.  I know good and well I didn't make it easy.  That said, it's not over yet.  So someone probably ought to hide the matches (just to be safe)!  *grin*

To Be a Person, Place, or Thing

noun [noun] any member of a class of words referring to persons, places, things, states, or qualities.

Life can be pretty complicated sometimes. Situations get over-analyzed. Emotions cloud issues. Priorities change. Promises are made - whether kept or broken - and shades of gray blur the thin line between black and white. We all have questions. We all want answers. We turn over rocks. Search for sages. Ponder. Perplexed, we begin to fill in blanks with dream space. Our ideal lives elude us, and we fall to our knees. It's as if we know not the difference between dream and reality. We succumb to disappointment. Fear and duress. The ideal becomes the expectation, and the expectation is seldom met. But must it be so?

Consider for a moment that we are but nouns. We interact with other nouns by way of verbs. We qualify our actions with adverbs and identify other nouns with pronouns. Adjectives. Our lives are made a series of sentences and phrases. Dressed up with pronouns. Prepositions. Articles. Simply words on a page. And what do you do when you finish all the words on a page? You turn to the next one...

It sometimes helps for me to break things down in these terms. Helps me see past the clouds, the changes, the blurred lines, and the questions. Creating a life less... complicated.

What's happiness to you?

They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.  However, I usually buy lemonade at the grocery store.  So now I have all these lemons laying around everywhere, and I'm not sure how long I should hang onto them before deciding I have no intention of using them and ultimately throwing them out.  Is there a grace period - like how long you have to display a birthday card from a loved one on the refrigerator before you take it down?  Or can you just cast them out immediately?  The longer I dwell on this analogy, the more I wonder if I should be expected throw them out at all?  Should I donate my intangible, tragically symbolic lemons to some kind of karmic charity?  Or should I pack them away in a time capsule and bury them?  Would they be of less use to me fresh than spoiled or decomposed?  Likely not... but I digress...

I'm at a point in life where I'm trying to decide how much control my circumstances can and should have over my happiness.  I long to be happy again.  I'd like to decide to be happy.  But my current situation is a constant hindrance.  Left alone with my thoughts, I wonder... do I even have the power or the resolve to make my situation better?  To will it better, faster?  Should I be expected to wait for the dust to settle before moving onward and upward?  My emotional and logical mind are at odds.  But for the first time in months, I think my logical mind might finally be gaining some ground.  Now, if only I could get a better handle on what it truly means to be happy... what it means to me.  Then, I'd be in business!

Sweet Life Charade

I feel compelled to open this entry by saying, "When it rains, it pours!"  The creative juices are flowing this week, and as such I've churned out another creative effort.  This one less of a departure from my normal realm, however it is quite subdued.  Also, in comparison with my last musical endeavor, this one is considerably longer.  In any case, I call this one Sweet Life Charade (lyrics can be found below the media player).  Please feel free to give it a listen, and don't be shy about sharing any feedback you have.  I hope you like it!

Lyrics:  Let's pretend we're fine today / Alright / We'll wake to the sunrise, smile and kiss for the first time / Senses wake to the sweet life charade / Familiar touches melt the world away / And then we'll get up and walk around like we're the last ones left / We'll never give up the love we've got / Oh, let's pretend // You left a hole in my heart / But I think there's still time to patch it up / Say what you wanted to say / You've got my full attention / Go on, I give up, give up, give up / Tell me how to win your affection / I want to give you every part of me / Rebuild the perfect love we had back in the day //

[I'm still alive for now] / [Let's pretend we're fine today / The sweet life charade ] / [ Sweet life charade ]

I never could've imagined how bad off I'd be without you / I'm a much better person with you than otherwise / I've done a lot, you know / Tried to get by / But without you / Without my reason / Without my motivation / I'm only half / Half effective / Half a person / I need you / I miss you / I love you

[ Give up / Give up / Give up ]

A Creative Experiment

In the interest of exploring new territory and stretching myself beyond my normal creative means, I stayed up way past my bedtime last night putting the finishing touches on the audio experiment I'm sharing here with you today.  I realize that making this endeavor public may be a risky move - given the sensitivity the subject matter - but I'm putting aside even my own reservations in the name of free expression.  Not only that, but I'm also really proud of how it turned out and simply couldn't wait to get it out there!

That said, follow the link below to have a listen.  If I get enough positive responses, I might be inclined to post more of my creative explorations in the future.  I hope you enjoy this one:

Lyrics:  Let's cast away the past and start fresh / Give me a chance to be the best bet you ever placed / Do not erase / The history we have is precious (in spite of us) // Girl, you got me runnin' in circles / I'm such a mess / God willin', to be blessed, to put this duress to rest / I'm nothin' without you in my life / I long to earn your love so bad it hurts / I never realized - for turnin' a blind eye and takin' for granted - that I, I neglected to be there for the love of my life / And I regret it / Say what you will / I'm not so bad, I'm just sad / I went a little crazy the day I found out you were unhappy [ I can't stand that look in you eyes ] / How can you blame me //

The Good Things In Life

At the recommendation of someone very near and dear to me, I write this blog as a means of boosting my sense of self worth and self confidence.  As many of you know, I've been doing a great deal of soul searching lately - focusing probably far too much on areas of myself where I feel I have significant room for growth and development - and while I struggle to show significant progress in any of those areas from one day to the next, I forget to reflect on all the things I'm doing well.  So, I hope you'll all indulge me while I toot my own horn.

I'm a young man still in years, and consider myself to be quite attractive.  I like to think I have a unique fashion sense that sets me apart from the rest - at least, on days when I make an effort to dress myself accordingly.  I'm a bright man capable of producing bright ideas with what seems like little effort in my eyes - which shows most predominantly in my work, as well as in my occasionally in my creative pursuits.  I'm a solid writer with an extensive vocabulary and a defined written voice (in fact, people frequently tell me they like the way I present my thoughts on this very blog).  I have a knack for design, which translates to a number of varied applications, and an this is largely either fed or feeds my natural sense of organization and symmetry.  I'm color blind, but I have a sense of humor about it - at least in that it has on more than one occasion presented me with the opportunity to engage in conversation with total strangers as to the precise color of various materials and coordinates (most of which I plan to buy for others... best to be sure).  I'm a musician, which begs no further justification.  I mean, that's just flat out awesome!  *grin*

I'm quite adept when it comes to interacting with technology.  I like to think I have a well refined and sensible taste overall.  I'm friendly.  I'm funny.  Witty, even.  I know a lot about pop culture, and do well to keep up with trends.  I've never lost a game of SceneIt! at my house (even though I've seen less than half of the movies I can somehow correctly answer questions about).  I know how to successfully complete a Sudoku puzzle.  I'm a whiz when it comes to crafting an effective Magic deck - at least, when inspiration strikes - and have even gone out and won a couple top 8 spots on the highly competitive local tournament scene.  I own every non-MMO core series Final Fantasy title released in the US, and have finished all but maybe two of them.  I can make my dog stay - even after I leave food on the floor and walk out of the room.  I'm always thirsty for knowledge, and have recently enrolled in school to pursue what some like to call 'higher learning'.  I make good money.  I have a decent car (that's paid for).  My signature looks like that of a doctor or a celebrity, yet people comment often on how neat my handwriting is - even though I use all capital letters all the time, and have a tendency to write very small.

I have toys at my desk at work.  Legos.  Star Wars figures.  My couch has a throw on it featuring a giant, true to form, hand stitched black mage.  I know about Finn and Jake, and have even cosplayed the duo to remarkable acclaim.  I like that I can cook (when I try).  I believe in ghosts, though I've never actually seen one.  I can't sleep unless I have a fan going.  I prefer baths to showers - complete with bubbles and salts.  I can drink whiskey straight without cringing, and of late I've developed quite a taste for exotic red wines.  I've been to Europe, flown several times - mostly for business - and have seen the ocean enough times to know that my favorite sound in the world is the sound of waves rolling in.  I like the moon better than the sun.  I wear a hat pretty much whenever I can.  I like that my facial hair changes every two weeks.  The fact that I have a hookah on my coffee table.  And I feel like I should mention my love for all things Japanese...

I could go on and on and on, but it's late and I need not bore you with anything further.  *happy sigh*  This was a therapeutic excercise!  And I encourage you, my readers, to try something similar the next time you're feeling down.  Live and love as often as you can!

Thanks, mom, for recommending that I do this!  I love you!

Second Chances

 
I'd like to think it's never too late to have a fresh start.  This week - after about a month long hiatus - I decided it was time to get my name back out into the world of 'social media'.  However, it was not lightly I came to that decision.  For my departing this world was not on good terms.  I'd like to quote a very wise man who once said, "With great power comes great responsibility."  That's largley the reason I'm back - to show that I can be responsible.  That I've grown a bit since my last foray into this highly addictive little corner of the inter-webs.  That said, I hope those who enjoyed reading my random musings are happy to see me back in action.  I know I, for one, am most certainly pleased to be!  *grin*

In the nature of new beginnings, I return with a character in mind.  An avatar other than myself to deliver my random musings - at least, the less personal ones - to you all.  In the most epic of fashions.  So please join me in welcoming the NEW Epic Juicebox.  100% Juice.  No artificial ingredients.  Naturally sweetened!

My Mind Wanders

I have a problem - an understatement if ever there was such a thing.  I am experiencing a crisis of faith.  Of hope.  And of love.  All that remain, and all called to question.  I'll spare you, my readers, the details that have rattled me so, suffice it to say that I find myself looking ever upon a person to set my mind at ease.  The tragedy here is that I know better.  I chase rabbits knowing that I could never catch one.  Not on my own.  I see enemies where I should see friends.  And I die when I should live.  They say the first step to recovering from a problem is admitting that you have one.  But they don't tell you that you're bound to stumble repeatedly along the way.  Believe me, friends, when I say that my body and soul are battered and bruised.  I have stumbled more than any man should stumble - any man, that is, who knows so well the better as I do.

I don't pretend to know where I'm going.  What I'm doing.  Not anymore.  How can any of us know when we are so fatally flawed by nature?  The comfort here is that we don't have to know.  Because He knows.  We need only to learn to have faith in Him.  And to let Him do what He does.  It's not an easy lesson, but it's one that I keep coming back to over and over again.  One I pray every day that I'll learn.  And God willing, that I'll learn before it's too late.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen."

Letting Go

For the last month, I've been fighting myself to relinquish control of my life and the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today.  I keep trying to let go of the wheel.  Over and over.  I even tell myself that, "This is it, I'm backing away.  Starting... now!" - and sometimes, I manage to do it.  I succeed.  But because I'm human.  Because of myself and what motivates me, I inevitably freak out and reach desperately for the wheel.  It never sticks.  I start fighting to regain control.  Over and over.  Again.  And again.  And again.

This week, however... something happened.  Through a series of seemingly random events or coincidences - whatever you want to call them - I was primed for and ultimately delivered a very important message.  A message that I might not have been ready to receive had it come at any other point in my life.  And I'm finding the more I think on it that this message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  You see, instead of just letting go.  Instead of backing away.  Instead of giving up... what I need to work on is giving control over to Someone *hint* a little more capable than myself.  I can't 'fix' this.  Neither can a therapist, or a book, or an article, etc.  I need help.  And I've finally taken my first real step toward getting that help - by closing my eyes, bowing my head, and asking for it.

A friend asked me over dinner yesterday, "Where do all the desperate people go?"  If you want the answer to that question, ask me where I'll be Sunday morning.

Food for Thought

Imagine every day, you eat a piece of cake.  Magical cake, with all manner of mystical powers.  Each bite containing an ingredient makes you feel special.  Euphoric.  It boosts your confidence.  And even occasionally shows you glimpses of a glamorous, carefree future - filled only with happiness and excitement.  Now imagine that every time you eat a piece of that cake, it causes someone close to you - someone you care a great deal about - to feel a horrible, gut-wrenching pain.  Deep and agonizing.  The kind of pain that chisels away at the heart, mind, body, and soul.  Imagine also that you're well aware of the pain you're causing.  Yet every day, you eat a piece of cake.


Now, you have to make a decision.  And we've all been there.  Sometimes, making a decision can be difficult.  And when you're the one eating the cake - or smoking the cigarette, or having the drink, etc. - it can be very easy to put aside the heartache that you know your actions are causing.  Best intentions and all.  Because the cake is good!  However, I implore you - the next time you go to take a bite, please remember these five short, sweet little words: the cake is a lie.