What's happiness to you?

They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.  However, I usually buy lemonade at the grocery store.  So now I have all these lemons laying around everywhere, and I'm not sure how long I should hang onto them before deciding I have no intention of using them and ultimately throwing them out.  Is there a grace period - like how long you have to display a birthday card from a loved one on the refrigerator before you take it down?  Or can you just cast them out immediately?  The longer I dwell on this analogy, the more I wonder if I should be expected throw them out at all?  Should I donate my intangible, tragically symbolic lemons to some kind of karmic charity?  Or should I pack them away in a time capsule and bury them?  Would they be of less use to me fresh than spoiled or decomposed?  Likely not... but I digress...

I'm at a point in life where I'm trying to decide how much control my circumstances can and should have over my happiness.  I long to be happy again.  I'd like to decide to be happy.  But my current situation is a constant hindrance.  Left alone with my thoughts, I wonder... do I even have the power or the resolve to make my situation better?  To will it better, faster?  Should I be expected to wait for the dust to settle before moving onward and upward?  My emotional and logical mind are at odds.  But for the first time in months, I think my logical mind might finally be gaining some ground.  Now, if only I could get a better handle on what it truly means to be happy... what it means to me.  Then, I'd be in business!

Sweet Life Charade

I feel compelled to open this entry by saying, "When it rains, it pours!"  The creative juices are flowing this week, and as such I've churned out another creative effort.  This one less of a departure from my normal realm, however it is quite subdued.  Also, in comparison with my last musical endeavor, this one is considerably longer.  In any case, I call this one Sweet Life Charade (lyrics can be found below the media player).  Please feel free to give it a listen, and don't be shy about sharing any feedback you have.  I hope you like it!

Lyrics:  Let's pretend we're fine today / Alright / We'll wake to the sunrise, smile and kiss for the first time / Senses wake to the sweet life charade / Familiar touches melt the world away / And then we'll get up and walk around like we're the last ones left / We'll never give up the love we've got / Oh, let's pretend // You left a hole in my heart / But I think there's still time to patch it up / Say what you wanted to say / You've got my full attention / Go on, I give up, give up, give up / Tell me how to win your affection / I want to give you every part of me / Rebuild the perfect love we had back in the day //

[I'm still alive for now] / [Let's pretend we're fine today / The sweet life charade ] / [ Sweet life charade ]

I never could've imagined how bad off I'd be without you / I'm a much better person with you than otherwise / I've done a lot, you know / Tried to get by / But without you / Without my reason / Without my motivation / I'm only half / Half effective / Half a person / I need you / I miss you / I love you

[ Give up / Give up / Give up ]

A Creative Experiment

In the interest of exploring new territory and stretching myself beyond my normal creative means, I stayed up way past my bedtime last night putting the finishing touches on the audio experiment I'm sharing here with you today.  I realize that making this endeavor public may be a risky move - given the sensitivity the subject matter - but I'm putting aside even my own reservations in the name of free expression.  Not only that, but I'm also really proud of how it turned out and simply couldn't wait to get it out there!

That said, follow the link below to have a listen.  If I get enough positive responses, I might be inclined to post more of my creative explorations in the future.  I hope you enjoy this one:

Lyrics:  Let's cast away the past and start fresh / Give me a chance to be the best bet you ever placed / Do not erase / The history we have is precious (in spite of us) // Girl, you got me runnin' in circles / I'm such a mess / God willin', to be blessed, to put this duress to rest / I'm nothin' without you in my life / I long to earn your love so bad it hurts / I never realized - for turnin' a blind eye and takin' for granted - that I, I neglected to be there for the love of my life / And I regret it / Say what you will / I'm not so bad, I'm just sad / I went a little crazy the day I found out you were unhappy [ I can't stand that look in you eyes ] / How can you blame me //

The Good Things In Life

At the recommendation of someone very near and dear to me, I write this blog as a means of boosting my sense of self worth and self confidence.  As many of you know, I've been doing a great deal of soul searching lately - focusing probably far too much on areas of myself where I feel I have significant room for growth and development - and while I struggle to show significant progress in any of those areas from one day to the next, I forget to reflect on all the things I'm doing well.  So, I hope you'll all indulge me while I toot my own horn.

I'm a young man still in years, and consider myself to be quite attractive.  I like to think I have a unique fashion sense that sets me apart from the rest - at least, on days when I make an effort to dress myself accordingly.  I'm a bright man capable of producing bright ideas with what seems like little effort in my eyes - which shows most predominantly in my work, as well as in my occasionally in my creative pursuits.  I'm a solid writer with an extensive vocabulary and a defined written voice (in fact, people frequently tell me they like the way I present my thoughts on this very blog).  I have a knack for design, which translates to a number of varied applications, and an this is largely either fed or feeds my natural sense of organization and symmetry.  I'm color blind, but I have a sense of humor about it - at least in that it has on more than one occasion presented me with the opportunity to engage in conversation with total strangers as to the precise color of various materials and coordinates (most of which I plan to buy for others... best to be sure).  I'm a musician, which begs no further justification.  I mean, that's just flat out awesome!  *grin*

I'm quite adept when it comes to interacting with technology.  I like to think I have a well refined and sensible taste overall.  I'm friendly.  I'm funny.  Witty, even.  I know a lot about pop culture, and do well to keep up with trends.  I've never lost a game of SceneIt! at my house (even though I've seen less than half of the movies I can somehow correctly answer questions about).  I know how to successfully complete a Sudoku puzzle.  I'm a whiz when it comes to crafting an effective Magic deck - at least, when inspiration strikes - and have even gone out and won a couple top 8 spots on the highly competitive local tournament scene.  I own every non-MMO core series Final Fantasy title released in the US, and have finished all but maybe two of them.  I can make my dog stay - even after I leave food on the floor and walk out of the room.  I'm always thirsty for knowledge, and have recently enrolled in school to pursue what some like to call 'higher learning'.  I make good money.  I have a decent car (that's paid for).  My signature looks like that of a doctor or a celebrity, yet people comment often on how neat my handwriting is - even though I use all capital letters all the time, and have a tendency to write very small.

I have toys at my desk at work.  Legos.  Star Wars figures.  My couch has a throw on it featuring a giant, true to form, hand stitched black mage.  I know about Finn and Jake, and have even cosplayed the duo to remarkable acclaim.  I like that I can cook (when I try).  I believe in ghosts, though I've never actually seen one.  I can't sleep unless I have a fan going.  I prefer baths to showers - complete with bubbles and salts.  I can drink whiskey straight without cringing, and of late I've developed quite a taste for exotic red wines.  I've been to Europe, flown several times - mostly for business - and have seen the ocean enough times to know that my favorite sound in the world is the sound of waves rolling in.  I like the moon better than the sun.  I wear a hat pretty much whenever I can.  I like that my facial hair changes every two weeks.  The fact that I have a hookah on my coffee table.  And I feel like I should mention my love for all things Japanese...

I could go on and on and on, but it's late and I need not bore you with anything further.  *happy sigh*  This was a therapeutic excercise!  And I encourage you, my readers, to try something similar the next time you're feeling down.  Live and love as often as you can!

Thanks, mom, for recommending that I do this!  I love you!

Second Chances

 
I'd like to think it's never too late to have a fresh start.  This week - after about a month long hiatus - I decided it was time to get my name back out into the world of 'social media'.  However, it was not lightly I came to that decision.  For my departing this world was not on good terms.  I'd like to quote a very wise man who once said, "With great power comes great responsibility."  That's largley the reason I'm back - to show that I can be responsible.  That I've grown a bit since my last foray into this highly addictive little corner of the inter-webs.  That said, I hope those who enjoyed reading my random musings are happy to see me back in action.  I know I, for one, am most certainly pleased to be!  *grin*

In the nature of new beginnings, I return with a character in mind.  An avatar other than myself to deliver my random musings - at least, the less personal ones - to you all.  In the most epic of fashions.  So please join me in welcoming the NEW Epic Juicebox.  100% Juice.  No artificial ingredients.  Naturally sweetened!

My Mind Wanders

I have a problem - an understatement if ever there was such a thing.  I am experiencing a crisis of faith.  Of hope.  And of love.  All that remain, and all called to question.  I'll spare you, my readers, the details that have rattled me so, suffice it to say that I find myself looking ever upon a person to set my mind at ease.  The tragedy here is that I know better.  I chase rabbits knowing that I could never catch one.  Not on my own.  I see enemies where I should see friends.  And I die when I should live.  They say the first step to recovering from a problem is admitting that you have one.  But they don't tell you that you're bound to stumble repeatedly along the way.  Believe me, friends, when I say that my body and soul are battered and bruised.  I have stumbled more than any man should stumble - any man, that is, who knows so well the better as I do.

I don't pretend to know where I'm going.  What I'm doing.  Not anymore.  How can any of us know when we are so fatally flawed by nature?  The comfort here is that we don't have to know.  Because He knows.  We need only to learn to have faith in Him.  And to let Him do what He does.  It's not an easy lesson, but it's one that I keep coming back to over and over again.  One I pray every day that I'll learn.  And God willing, that I'll learn before it's too late.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen."

Letting Go

For the last month, I've been fighting myself to relinquish control of my life and the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today.  I keep trying to let go of the wheel.  Over and over.  I even tell myself that, "This is it, I'm backing away.  Starting... now!" - and sometimes, I manage to do it.  I succeed.  But because I'm human.  Because of myself and what motivates me, I inevitably freak out and reach desperately for the wheel.  It never sticks.  I start fighting to regain control.  Over and over.  Again.  And again.  And again.

This week, however... something happened.  Through a series of seemingly random events or coincidences - whatever you want to call them - I was primed for and ultimately delivered a very important message.  A message that I might not have been ready to receive had it come at any other point in my life.  And I'm finding the more I think on it that this message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  You see, instead of just letting go.  Instead of backing away.  Instead of giving up... what I need to work on is giving control over to Someone *hint* a little more capable than myself.  I can't 'fix' this.  Neither can a therapist, or a book, or an article, etc.  I need help.  And I've finally taken my first real step toward getting that help - by closing my eyes, bowing my head, and asking for it.

A friend asked me over dinner yesterday, "Where do all the desperate people go?"  If you want the answer to that question, ask me where I'll be Sunday morning.