Please Excuse My Exuberance

Sometimes I get so caught up in everything life has to offer that I forget to sit down and write a little something about it.  Regrettably, it's the good times that usually get neglected in this particular forum.  That's not to say I don't still take the time to reflect.  Just that I neglect to reflect publicly.  So for those of you, my readers, who have missed hearing from me for the past several weeks, I offer my humblest of apologies!

Over the course of the past few months, I have caught myself wondering time and time again whether or not there might be an upper limit to the amount of joy and excitement any one human being is allowed to experience before things go sour or mellow off.  And to date, the only conclusion I've been able to reach is this: perhaps it simply isn't healthy to ponder such preposterous perplexities.

I have recently been blessed with an unfathomably favorable work situation, my classes at Tusculum couldn't be going better, I've remained in comfortable financial standing for over a year since I set out on my own, and my band is about to make a considerable splash on the local scene after what seems like an eternity of inactivity.  I'm about to celebrate my 29th year alive on this earth, and I am overflowing!

All things considered, if you were to ask me to pin down the single, most significant source of this ostensibly salient sprightliness, all signs would invariably point to a girl.  The feeling I get when I'm with this girl.  When I see her face.  Hear that infectious laugh of hers.  Even just thinking about her in those far too frequent moments when the two of us are off doing whatever it is we do while we're apart...

If I may borrow from the immortal words of former pop sensation, Ashlee Simpson:
this girl absolutely makes me wanna LA LA!

(And I mean that, of course, in a completely non-sexual way!  *wink*)

I could go on, but at this point I'm just gushing.  I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.  I know I say this all the time, but for all intents and purposes I will try my utmost to keep these coming on at least a slightly more regular basis than in weeks past.  Until next time, stay your minds to thoughts of what could go wrong and when it might happen.  Instead, focus on squeezing every last ounce of happiness, fulfillment, joy, and excitement out of each and every passing moment!

If you can't say anything nice...

 
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm about as ready to ring in a new year as I've ever been in my entire life.  2011 has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.  I can honestly say it was the year that life - as I had grown to know and love it - was forever changed in the most radical of ways.  I saw the only truest form of love I had experienced to date dissolve, leaving in its wake a seemingly boundless stream of opportunity and promise.  I was reminded that no matter how well you think you know yourself, you can always learn new and exciting things.  I've made a wealth of new friends and re-connected deeply with a number of those I already had (and arguably took for granted).  And my future transformed from a near certainty into a wide open sea of mystery and wonder - much to my unabashed amazement!

In just a couple days, we'll be celebrating the birth of 2012.  As likely are all of you, I'm already thinking of what I'd like the year to bring.  I'm setting new goals for myself.  Making new plans.  And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I feel like I'm positioned to achieve the relative greatness that has eluded me for as long as I can remember.  I hope the rest of you will join me in raising a glass to this amazing thing we call life.  Let's all together take the bull by the horns and become whatever it is we've always wanted to be!  Here's to whatever lies on the next page!  *clink*

What should I be doing?

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a pretty organized person. I like things a certain way. And when the order of my surroundings is compromised, I take immediate action. Almost unconsciously. Instinctively. It just seems natural to me to want to set things right. In a sense, I think it's this particularly idiosyncratic personality trait of mine that's kept me from buckling under the pressure of some determinately preeminent life changes. It's been a challenge, but I think I'm close to once again having everything in its right place. Still, I can't help but notice that something is missing. Something critical. I know now better than ever what that significant something happens to be, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to go about obtaining it. I think Jason Schwartzman put it best in the opening scene to I Heart Huckabees, which goes as follows:

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? [...] I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!"

Maybe that's a little over the top, but I can't help but share a similar underlying sentiment with regard to my life of late. And I'm not quite sure the best way to go about addressing it. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing either. I feel like I need to try something else. Something new. A different approach. But as for what that looks and feels like? I am at a complete and utter loss!

Humble Pie

If you've ever been burned, you know how much it hurts.  Every time I touch my hand to a hot eye on the stove, the first place my reactive mind goes is, "Holy piss, who the fuck left that shit on?!"  Then, as the initial shock wears off, I fall quiet.  Feel silly, even.  And in a matter of seconds, the pain fades into memory.

I've spent the better part of the last eight months burning hot with anger over the way one particular aspect of my life was unfolding.  But instead of stepping out of the fire, I continued to stand right smack in the middle of it.  I wanted it to keep burning - even got to a point where I was comfortable with the pain.  You might even say - for a minute - I was loving it!  I know it sounds ridiculous.  Idiotic.  As I'm writing this, I'm shaking my own head with disbelief.  And now, my reflective mind is asking, "Holy hell, what the fuck was wrong with you man?!"

In all seriousness, someone finally reached out and pulled me from the fire tonight (special props to you - you know who you are)!  Now, for the first time in eight months, I can see well beyond the flames and smoke.  I'll certainly say, it feels good to be out of there.  Dust myself off.  At the same time, that fire burned so hot for so long that it left one hell of a crazy mess.  The fallout is astounding.  And I'm sure I must look all kinds of awful...

It may not be a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days... months?  Who knows.  However long it takes, though, I look forward to feeling silly about all this.  A good friend said to me just moments ago, "What we do next is what matters, and all we have control over."  I think that's my cue to work on a plan.  So, with a clear head and a positive outlook: I'm on it!


Thank you all for sticking by me through this incredibly difficult time.  I know good and well I didn't make it easy.  That said, it's not over yet.  So someone probably ought to hide the matches (just to be safe)!  *grin*

To Be a Person, Place, or Thing

noun [noun] any member of a class of words referring to persons, places, things, states, or qualities.

Life can be pretty complicated sometimes. Situations get over-analyzed. Emotions cloud issues. Priorities change. Promises are made - whether kept or broken - and shades of gray blur the thin line between black and white. We all have questions. We all want answers. We turn over rocks. Search for sages. Ponder. Perplexed, we begin to fill in blanks with dream space. Our ideal lives elude us, and we fall to our knees. It's as if we know not the difference between dream and reality. We succumb to disappointment. Fear and duress. The ideal becomes the expectation, and the expectation is seldom met. But must it be so?

Consider for a moment that we are but nouns. We interact with other nouns by way of verbs. We qualify our actions with adverbs and identify other nouns with pronouns. Adjectives. Our lives are made a series of sentences and phrases. Dressed up with pronouns. Prepositions. Articles. Simply words on a page. And what do you do when you finish all the words on a page? You turn to the next one...

It sometimes helps for me to break things down in these terms. Helps me see past the clouds, the changes, the blurred lines, and the questions. Creating a life less... complicated.

What's happiness to you?

They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.  However, I usually buy lemonade at the grocery store.  So now I have all these lemons laying around everywhere, and I'm not sure how long I should hang onto them before deciding I have no intention of using them and ultimately throwing them out.  Is there a grace period - like how long you have to display a birthday card from a loved one on the refrigerator before you take it down?  Or can you just cast them out immediately?  The longer I dwell on this analogy, the more I wonder if I should be expected throw them out at all?  Should I donate my intangible, tragically symbolic lemons to some kind of karmic charity?  Or should I pack them away in a time capsule and bury them?  Would they be of less use to me fresh than spoiled or decomposed?  Likely not... but I digress...

I'm at a point in life where I'm trying to decide how much control my circumstances can and should have over my happiness.  I long to be happy again.  I'd like to decide to be happy.  But my current situation is a constant hindrance.  Left alone with my thoughts, I wonder... do I even have the power or the resolve to make my situation better?  To will it better, faster?  Should I be expected to wait for the dust to settle before moving onward and upward?  My emotional and logical mind are at odds.  But for the first time in months, I think my logical mind might finally be gaining some ground.  Now, if only I could get a better handle on what it truly means to be happy... what it means to me.  Then, I'd be in business!

Sweet Life Charade

I feel compelled to open this entry by saying, "When it rains, it pours!"  The creative juices are flowing this week, and as such I've churned out another creative effort.  This one less of a departure from my normal realm, however it is quite subdued.  Also, in comparison with my last musical endeavor, this one is considerably longer.  In any case, I call this one Sweet Life Charade (lyrics can be found below the media player).  Please feel free to give it a listen, and don't be shy about sharing any feedback you have.  I hope you like it!

Lyrics:  Let's pretend we're fine today / Alright / We'll wake to the sunrise, smile and kiss for the first time / Senses wake to the sweet life charade / Familiar touches melt the world away / And then we'll get up and walk around like we're the last ones left / We'll never give up the love we've got / Oh, let's pretend // You left a hole in my heart / But I think there's still time to patch it up / Say what you wanted to say / You've got my full attention / Go on, I give up, give up, give up / Tell me how to win your affection / I want to give you every part of me / Rebuild the perfect love we had back in the day //

[I'm still alive for now] / [Let's pretend we're fine today / The sweet life charade ] / [ Sweet life charade ]

I never could've imagined how bad off I'd be without you / I'm a much better person with you than otherwise / I've done a lot, you know / Tried to get by / But without you / Without my reason / Without my motivation / I'm only half / Half effective / Half a person / I need you / I miss you / I love you

[ Give up / Give up / Give up ]