Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a pretty organized person. I like things a certain way. And when the order of my surroundings is compromised, I take immediate action. Almost unconsciously. Instinctively. It just seems natural to me to want to set things right. In a sense, I think it's this particularly idiosyncratic personality trait of mine that's kept me from buckling under the pressure of some determinately preeminent life changes. It's been a challenge, but I think I'm close to once again having everything in its right place. Still, I can't help but notice that something is missing. Something critical. I know now better than ever what that significant something happens to be, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to go about obtaining it. I think Jason Schwartzman put it best in the opening scene to I Heart Huckabees, which goes as follows:
"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? [...] I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!"
Maybe that's a little over the top, but I can't help but share a similar underlying sentiment with regard to my life of late. And I'm not quite sure the best way to go about addressing it. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing either. I feel like I need to try something else. Something new. A different approach. But as for what that looks and feels like? I am at a complete and utter loss!
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