Letting Go

For the last month, I've been fighting myself to relinquish control of my life and the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today.  I keep trying to let go of the wheel.  Over and over.  I even tell myself that, "This is it, I'm backing away.  Starting... now!" - and sometimes, I manage to do it.  I succeed.  But because I'm human.  Because of myself and what motivates me, I inevitably freak out and reach desperately for the wheel.  It never sticks.  I start fighting to regain control.  Over and over.  Again.  And again.  And again.

This week, however... something happened.  Through a series of seemingly random events or coincidences - whatever you want to call them - I was primed for and ultimately delivered a very important message.  A message that I might not have been ready to receive had it come at any other point in my life.  And I'm finding the more I think on it that this message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  You see, instead of just letting go.  Instead of backing away.  Instead of giving up... what I need to work on is giving control over to Someone *hint* a little more capable than myself.  I can't 'fix' this.  Neither can a therapist, or a book, or an article, etc.  I need help.  And I've finally taken my first real step toward getting that help - by closing my eyes, bowing my head, and asking for it.

A friend asked me over dinner yesterday, "Where do all the desperate people go?"  If you want the answer to that question, ask me where I'll be Sunday morning.

Food for Thought

Imagine every day, you eat a piece of cake.  Magical cake, with all manner of mystical powers.  Each bite containing an ingredient makes you feel special.  Euphoric.  It boosts your confidence.  And even occasionally shows you glimpses of a glamorous, carefree future - filled only with happiness and excitement.  Now imagine that every time you eat a piece of that cake, it causes someone close to you - someone you care a great deal about - to feel a horrible, gut-wrenching pain.  Deep and agonizing.  The kind of pain that chisels away at the heart, mind, body, and soul.  Imagine also that you're well aware of the pain you're causing.  Yet every day, you eat a piece of cake.


Now, you have to make a decision.  And we've all been there.  Sometimes, making a decision can be difficult.  And when you're the one eating the cake - or smoking the cigarette, or having the drink, etc. - it can be very easy to put aside the heartache that you know your actions are causing.  Best intentions and all.  Because the cake is good!  However, I implore you - the next time you go to take a bite, please remember these five short, sweet little words: the cake is a lie.

Let's Build a Fire

 
I don't know how well my readers know me, but I'm a huge fan of the metaphor.  I like to use simple concepts and imagery to describe complex relationships and the inner-workings of the human mind.  For example: love is a battlefield.  Today, I thought of one that really helped me understand what marriage is all about.  You can't start a fire and expect it to burn forever... unless you're willing to stir things up once in awhile.  Toss another log on the heap now and again.  Also, why build a fire if you're not going to enjoy it?!

Such is a marriage.  And in essence, such is life.

If you're fortunate enough to find yourself currently basking in the warm, comforting glow of a committed relationship, take a minute to think about that.  Ask yourself, "Have I poked my fire today?" (go ahead, laugh).  Then, remind yourself to be careful the next time you do.  Because there's an art to it.  A certain skill - and sadly, this is another one of life's 'easy to learn/hard to master' lessons.  It is possible to stifle a fire.  Even smother it out completely.  [Editorial: If this happens, don't sweat it - you can always try to build a new one!]  Just bear in mind that the goal is to always build it up.  Make it burn bigger.  Brighter.  Hotter.  Longer.  Also, remember that no matter how small a fire may get... it still burns.  The flames could be a distant memory, and the smoldering ashes would still remember the heat like it never left.  And if you take care to add just the right amount of wood and stir things around in just the right way, you CAN get that fire going again!

Such is marriage.  And in essence, such is life.  Thank you for reading!

Look Good, Feel Good

 

Over the course of the past year, I've experienced a gradual depreciation in self confidence that came to a head when an avalanche nearly knocked me off the slopes at the first of the New Year.  I've been fighting exhaustively to keep stable footing - looking anywhere and everywhere I can to find ways to build myself back up - and in spite of the intense fatigue that lingers in my rear view, I'm finally beginning to move in the opposite direction.  Gaining ground and going up!

It's an amazing feeling.  Energizing.  Invigorating.  And while I can't say the adage to which I've dedicated this entry has everything to do with it, I can say that it has certainly played a vital role.  Lately, I've been going through my wardrobe and pulling out all the stuff I used to wear when I wanted to look awesome.  Fortunately enough, I recently lost about 15 lbs. - thanks to some significant changes in my diet, and enrollment in the CFJ5K program - which means lot of it fits about like it did 'back in the day' (quite a confidence booster in and of itself). I'm working on growing my hair out a little longer, too.  Trying my best to be creative in the meantime.  Styling it different ways.  Using different product.  And I know this doesn't exactly fit, but I've been squirting myself with cologne every day for a while now.  Look Good.  Feel Good.  Smell Good.

All of this probably sounds terribly superficial, but the proof is in the pudding.  I like who I see when I look in the mirror a little more every day.  And I think those closest to me are beginning to feel the impact of that change in reflection in a very positive way.  It may have started with the surface, but it runs much deeper.  The closer I get to looking the way I want to look, the closer I get to feeling the way I want to feel.  Acting the way I want to act.  That may sound backwards.  Maybe it is.  But take it or leave it... it's working for me.

I guess the ultimate reason I wanted to share this story today is twofold: 1) to let all my readers know that I'm doing much better [read: life is much better] since my last entry, and 2) to encourage any of you who may be looking for a way to reinvent or rediscover your sense of self to start with the outside and work your way in.  And let me know how it all works out!