All Dressed Up and Down

When life isn't going exactly the way we'd like, it can be difficult to find the strength to pick ourselves up and keep on going.  There are times when simply staying in and curling up with a good book or shutting down while the characters from our favorite shows fill the room with familiar voices offers the just the right level of comfort and solace.  In times like this, it's often said that withdrawing from your friends and loved ones is the last thing you want to do... but I don't know how true I find this statement.  Personally, I don't see anything wrong with taking a night off from life to unwind and try to forget about all those things that are weighing us down.  To escape from time to time.  Just like our laptops and cell phones reach that critical, low battery threshold now and then - begging us to plug them in and let them recharge - our bodies and minds require breaks.  And we would be remiss not to allow ourselves respite.

On the flip side, I think it's important to remember that getting out and mixing it up is how we build our support systems.  The friends we make through various societal meanderings.  The important contacts we acquire by hobnobbing and networking.  These are vital relationships that can act as insurance, offering unparalleled peace of mind.  The knowledge that we will never have to face our problems alone.  At times, we may not feel capable of getting cleaned up, fixing our hair, putting on our favorite outfits, and faking smiles in spite of life.  We may not even feel that reaching out to these people will do us any good when the chips are down and the gears start to grind.  Regardless, we can count on our support systems: friends, family, coworkers, and even at times those fringe acquaintances who surprise us by reaching out and letting us know they care.  These systems - a product of our social interactions and careful cultivation of interpersonal relationships - are always there!

I'm guilty of sometimes forgetting this.  Taking it for granted, even.  Especially when things are good my perceived need for support is comparatively limited or non-existent.  But on my worst days, I know that all I have to do is say the word and in moments I'll be reaping the incomparable reward of all that preparatory socializing.  Networking.  Conversing.  Shaking hands and introducing.  Sending friend requests.  Following.  Recognizing, smiling, and waving.  This is how we come to know the people we know, and grow to be able to count on them when we need a helping hand.

So the moral of the story?  If you have the energy, go out!  Make friends.  Meet new people.  Keep developing your closest networks and nurture those all-important family connections.  Get cleaned up, fix your hair, put on your favorite outfit, and smile like you f*ckin' mean it!  And when you need to recharge, by all means recharge.  We'll all still be here when you're ready to come back out and play!

Ours Is Not To Be Perfect

Every whole is made up of nothing more than the sum of its many parts.  To take away even the tiniest thing - be it a secret or a fear, a fret or a single cell of fat - would leave you with something less than what was.  Or even what could be.  The promise of a whole becomes a painting - nearly complete - now stashed away behind a pile of miscellany in some unknown artist's loft.  A song without a chorus.  Shallow and incomplete.

Suffice it to say that to be whole is absolutely not akin to being perfect; for there are boundless imperfections to be found in all manner of pretty things.  Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper - as it has been handed down through the years - is all but weathered and ruined.  Yet people from all over the world travel great distances to stand in a room and simply gaze upon it.  Marvel at it.  The truth herein is undeniable.  The sum of its parts.  Rife with imperfections.  Remains whole.  Cherished and complete.

By this design, there is a certain beauty that comes with imperfection that can be lost as we seek to replace character and depth with prime and polish.  Ask any Star Wars fan whether they prefer the original theatrical trilogy to its 'Special Edition' re-release that came about in 1997, and you'll undoubtedly hear the truth.  Ask anyone fortunate enough to observe Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam as it graced the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel before its refinement was commissioned in 1979, and again you'll likely hear the truth.

The application of this truth is perhaps best suited to self image.  Every day, many of us race toward perfection at a pace that all but completely drains us.  Some of us toil ceaselessly to reach nigh unattainable goals, while others simply buckle under the pressure and lose their lust for life.  The ripples created in the process at times become like tidal waves, breaking unexpectedly over connections far removed from the source of the struggle.  A struggle which often lies within.  Shakespeare himself could not have written a greater tragedy.

I feel like I ought to close this entry by clarifying that I do NOT feel as though all attempts at self improvement are without merit.  Rather, what I hope to leave you with is that perhaps it wouldn't hurt to stop and listen to what our audience has to say about whether or not we should pursue these things so fervently.  We should ever remember the lesson brought to us by George Lucas (and the far more obscure Gianluigi Colalucci): sometimes we deliver a package that brings the world to its knees.  To take it away, change it dramatically, and attempt to redeliver it is not always likely to produce the same feelings or emotions solicited by the original.  Perhaps to be perfect is to be imperfect.

Please Excuse My Exuberance

Sometimes I get so caught up in everything life has to offer that I forget to sit down and write a little something about it.  Regrettably, it's the good times that usually get neglected in this particular forum.  That's not to say I don't still take the time to reflect.  Just that I neglect to reflect publicly.  So for those of you, my readers, who have missed hearing from me for the past several weeks, I offer my humblest of apologies!

Over the course of the past few months, I have caught myself wondering time and time again whether or not there might be an upper limit to the amount of joy and excitement any one human being is allowed to experience before things go sour or mellow off.  And to date, the only conclusion I've been able to reach is this: perhaps it simply isn't healthy to ponder such preposterous perplexities.

I have recently been blessed with an unfathomably favorable work situation, my classes at Tusculum couldn't be going better, I've remained in comfortable financial standing for over a year since I set out on my own, and my band is about to make a considerable splash on the local scene after what seems like an eternity of inactivity.  I'm about to celebrate my 29th year alive on this earth, and I am overflowing!

All things considered, if you were to ask me to pin down the single, most significant source of this ostensibly salient sprightliness, all signs would invariably point to a girl.  The feeling I get when I'm with this girl.  When I see her face.  Hear that infectious laugh of hers.  Even just thinking about her in those far too frequent moments when the two of us are off doing whatever it is we do while we're apart...

If I may borrow from the immortal words of former pop sensation, Ashlee Simpson:
this girl absolutely makes me wanna LA LA!

(And I mean that, of course, in a completely non-sexual way!  *wink*)

I could go on, but at this point I'm just gushing.  I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.  I know I say this all the time, but for all intents and purposes I will try my utmost to keep these coming on at least a slightly more regular basis than in weeks past.  Until next time, stay your minds to thoughts of what could go wrong and when it might happen.  Instead, focus on squeezing every last ounce of happiness, fulfillment, joy, and excitement out of each and every passing moment!

If you can't say anything nice...

 
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm about as ready to ring in a new year as I've ever been in my entire life.  2011 has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.  I can honestly say it was the year that life - as I had grown to know and love it - was forever changed in the most radical of ways.  I saw the only truest form of love I had experienced to date dissolve, leaving in its wake a seemingly boundless stream of opportunity and promise.  I was reminded that no matter how well you think you know yourself, you can always learn new and exciting things.  I've made a wealth of new friends and re-connected deeply with a number of those I already had (and arguably took for granted).  And my future transformed from a near certainty into a wide open sea of mystery and wonder - much to my unabashed amazement!

In just a couple days, we'll be celebrating the birth of 2012.  As likely are all of you, I'm already thinking of what I'd like the year to bring.  I'm setting new goals for myself.  Making new plans.  And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I feel like I'm positioned to achieve the relative greatness that has eluded me for as long as I can remember.  I hope the rest of you will join me in raising a glass to this amazing thing we call life.  Let's all together take the bull by the horns and become whatever it is we've always wanted to be!  Here's to whatever lies on the next page!  *clink*

What should I be doing?

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a pretty organized person. I like things a certain way. And when the order of my surroundings is compromised, I take immediate action. Almost unconsciously. Instinctively. It just seems natural to me to want to set things right. In a sense, I think it's this particularly idiosyncratic personality trait of mine that's kept me from buckling under the pressure of some determinately preeminent life changes. It's been a challenge, but I think I'm close to once again having everything in its right place. Still, I can't help but notice that something is missing. Something critical. I know now better than ever what that significant something happens to be, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to go about obtaining it. I think Jason Schwartzman put it best in the opening scene to I Heart Huckabees, which goes as follows:

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? [...] I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!"

Maybe that's a little over the top, but I can't help but share a similar underlying sentiment with regard to my life of late. And I'm not quite sure the best way to go about addressing it. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing either. I feel like I need to try something else. Something new. A different approach. But as for what that looks and feels like? I am at a complete and utter loss!

Humble Pie

If you've ever been burned, you know how much it hurts.  Every time I touch my hand to a hot eye on the stove, the first place my reactive mind goes is, "Holy piss, who the fuck left that shit on?!"  Then, as the initial shock wears off, I fall quiet.  Feel silly, even.  And in a matter of seconds, the pain fades into memory.

I've spent the better part of the last eight months burning hot with anger over the way one particular aspect of my life was unfolding.  But instead of stepping out of the fire, I continued to stand right smack in the middle of it.  I wanted it to keep burning - even got to a point where I was comfortable with the pain.  You might even say - for a minute - I was loving it!  I know it sounds ridiculous.  Idiotic.  As I'm writing this, I'm shaking my own head with disbelief.  And now, my reflective mind is asking, "Holy hell, what the fuck was wrong with you man?!"

In all seriousness, someone finally reached out and pulled me from the fire tonight (special props to you - you know who you are)!  Now, for the first time in eight months, I can see well beyond the flames and smoke.  I'll certainly say, it feels good to be out of there.  Dust myself off.  At the same time, that fire burned so hot for so long that it left one hell of a crazy mess.  The fallout is astounding.  And I'm sure I must look all kinds of awful...

It may not be a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days... months?  Who knows.  However long it takes, though, I look forward to feeling silly about all this.  A good friend said to me just moments ago, "What we do next is what matters, and all we have control over."  I think that's my cue to work on a plan.  So, with a clear head and a positive outlook: I'm on it!


Thank you all for sticking by me through this incredibly difficult time.  I know good and well I didn't make it easy.  That said, it's not over yet.  So someone probably ought to hide the matches (just to be safe)!  *grin*

To Be a Person, Place, or Thing

noun [noun] any member of a class of words referring to persons, places, things, states, or qualities.

Life can be pretty complicated sometimes. Situations get over-analyzed. Emotions cloud issues. Priorities change. Promises are made - whether kept or broken - and shades of gray blur the thin line between black and white. We all have questions. We all want answers. We turn over rocks. Search for sages. Ponder. Perplexed, we begin to fill in blanks with dream space. Our ideal lives elude us, and we fall to our knees. It's as if we know not the difference between dream and reality. We succumb to disappointment. Fear and duress. The ideal becomes the expectation, and the expectation is seldom met. But must it be so?

Consider for a moment that we are but nouns. We interact with other nouns by way of verbs. We qualify our actions with adverbs and identify other nouns with pronouns. Adjectives. Our lives are made a series of sentences and phrases. Dressed up with pronouns. Prepositions. Articles. Simply words on a page. And what do you do when you finish all the words on a page? You turn to the next one...

It sometimes helps for me to break things down in these terms. Helps me see past the clouds, the changes, the blurred lines, and the questions. Creating a life less... complicated.