If you can't say anything nice...

 
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm about as ready to ring in a new year as I've ever been in my entire life.  2011 has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.  I can honestly say it was the year that life - as I had grown to know and love it - was forever changed in the most radical of ways.  I saw the only truest form of love I had experienced to date dissolve, leaving in its wake a seemingly boundless stream of opportunity and promise.  I was reminded that no matter how well you think you know yourself, you can always learn new and exciting things.  I've made a wealth of new friends and re-connected deeply with a number of those I already had (and arguably took for granted).  And my future transformed from a near certainty into a wide open sea of mystery and wonder - much to my unabashed amazement!

In just a couple days, we'll be celebrating the birth of 2012.  As likely are all of you, I'm already thinking of what I'd like the year to bring.  I'm setting new goals for myself.  Making new plans.  And for the first time in what feels like an eternity, I feel like I'm positioned to achieve the relative greatness that has eluded me for as long as I can remember.  I hope the rest of you will join me in raising a glass to this amazing thing we call life.  Let's all together take the bull by the horns and become whatever it is we've always wanted to be!  Here's to whatever lies on the next page!  *clink*

What should I be doing?

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a pretty organized person. I like things a certain way. And when the order of my surroundings is compromised, I take immediate action. Almost unconsciously. Instinctively. It just seems natural to me to want to set things right. In a sense, I think it's this particularly idiosyncratic personality trait of mine that's kept me from buckling under the pressure of some determinately preeminent life changes. It's been a challenge, but I think I'm close to once again having everything in its right place. Still, I can't help but notice that something is missing. Something critical. I know now better than ever what that significant something happens to be, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to go about obtaining it. I think Jason Schwartzman put it best in the opening scene to I Heart Huckabees, which goes as follows:

"Motherfucking cocksucker motherfucking shit fucker what am I doing? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things? [...] I'm fucked! Maybe I should quit. Don't quit! Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit! I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to fucking do anymore! Fucker! Fuck shit!"

Maybe that's a little over the top, but I can't help but share a similar underlying sentiment with regard to my life of late. And I'm not quite sure the best way to go about addressing it. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to keep doing what I'm doing either. I feel like I need to try something else. Something new. A different approach. But as for what that looks and feels like? I am at a complete and utter loss!

Humble Pie

If you've ever been burned, you know how much it hurts.  Every time I touch my hand to a hot eye on the stove, the first place my reactive mind goes is, "Holy piss, who the fuck left that shit on?!"  Then, as the initial shock wears off, I fall quiet.  Feel silly, even.  And in a matter of seconds, the pain fades into memory.

I've spent the better part of the last eight months burning hot with anger over the way one particular aspect of my life was unfolding.  But instead of stepping out of the fire, I continued to stand right smack in the middle of it.  I wanted it to keep burning - even got to a point where I was comfortable with the pain.  You might even say - for a minute - I was loving it!  I know it sounds ridiculous.  Idiotic.  As I'm writing this, I'm shaking my own head with disbelief.  And now, my reflective mind is asking, "Holy hell, what the fuck was wrong with you man?!"

In all seriousness, someone finally reached out and pulled me from the fire tonight (special props to you - you know who you are)!  Now, for the first time in eight months, I can see well beyond the flames and smoke.  I'll certainly say, it feels good to be out of there.  Dust myself off.  At the same time, that fire burned so hot for so long that it left one hell of a crazy mess.  The fallout is astounding.  And I'm sure I must look all kinds of awful...

It may not be a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, days... months?  Who knows.  However long it takes, though, I look forward to feeling silly about all this.  A good friend said to me just moments ago, "What we do next is what matters, and all we have control over."  I think that's my cue to work on a plan.  So, with a clear head and a positive outlook: I'm on it!


Thank you all for sticking by me through this incredibly difficult time.  I know good and well I didn't make it easy.  That said, it's not over yet.  So someone probably ought to hide the matches (just to be safe)!  *grin*

To Be a Person, Place, or Thing

noun [noun] any member of a class of words referring to persons, places, things, states, or qualities.

Life can be pretty complicated sometimes. Situations get over-analyzed. Emotions cloud issues. Priorities change. Promises are made - whether kept or broken - and shades of gray blur the thin line between black and white. We all have questions. We all want answers. We turn over rocks. Search for sages. Ponder. Perplexed, we begin to fill in blanks with dream space. Our ideal lives elude us, and we fall to our knees. It's as if we know not the difference between dream and reality. We succumb to disappointment. Fear and duress. The ideal becomes the expectation, and the expectation is seldom met. But must it be so?

Consider for a moment that we are but nouns. We interact with other nouns by way of verbs. We qualify our actions with adverbs and identify other nouns with pronouns. Adjectives. Our lives are made a series of sentences and phrases. Dressed up with pronouns. Prepositions. Articles. Simply words on a page. And what do you do when you finish all the words on a page? You turn to the next one...

It sometimes helps for me to break things down in these terms. Helps me see past the clouds, the changes, the blurred lines, and the questions. Creating a life less... complicated.

What's happiness to you?

They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade.  However, I usually buy lemonade at the grocery store.  So now I have all these lemons laying around everywhere, and I'm not sure how long I should hang onto them before deciding I have no intention of using them and ultimately throwing them out.  Is there a grace period - like how long you have to display a birthday card from a loved one on the refrigerator before you take it down?  Or can you just cast them out immediately?  The longer I dwell on this analogy, the more I wonder if I should be expected throw them out at all?  Should I donate my intangible, tragically symbolic lemons to some kind of karmic charity?  Or should I pack them away in a time capsule and bury them?  Would they be of less use to me fresh than spoiled or decomposed?  Likely not... but I digress...

I'm at a point in life where I'm trying to decide how much control my circumstances can and should have over my happiness.  I long to be happy again.  I'd like to decide to be happy.  But my current situation is a constant hindrance.  Left alone with my thoughts, I wonder... do I even have the power or the resolve to make my situation better?  To will it better, faster?  Should I be expected to wait for the dust to settle before moving onward and upward?  My emotional and logical mind are at odds.  But for the first time in months, I think my logical mind might finally be gaining some ground.  Now, if only I could get a better handle on what it truly means to be happy... what it means to me.  Then, I'd be in business!

Sweet Life Charade

I feel compelled to open this entry by saying, "When it rains, it pours!"  The creative juices are flowing this week, and as such I've churned out another creative effort.  This one less of a departure from my normal realm, however it is quite subdued.  Also, in comparison with my last musical endeavor, this one is considerably longer.  In any case, I call this one Sweet Life Charade (lyrics can be found below the media player).  Please feel free to give it a listen, and don't be shy about sharing any feedback you have.  I hope you like it!

Lyrics:  Let's pretend we're fine today / Alright / We'll wake to the sunrise, smile and kiss for the first time / Senses wake to the sweet life charade / Familiar touches melt the world away / And then we'll get up and walk around like we're the last ones left / We'll never give up the love we've got / Oh, let's pretend // You left a hole in my heart / But I think there's still time to patch it up / Say what you wanted to say / You've got my full attention / Go on, I give up, give up, give up / Tell me how to win your affection / I want to give you every part of me / Rebuild the perfect love we had back in the day //

[I'm still alive for now] / [Let's pretend we're fine today / The sweet life charade ] / [ Sweet life charade ]

I never could've imagined how bad off I'd be without you / I'm a much better person with you than otherwise / I've done a lot, you know / Tried to get by / But without you / Without my reason / Without my motivation / I'm only half / Half effective / Half a person / I need you / I miss you / I love you

[ Give up / Give up / Give up ]

A Creative Experiment

In the interest of exploring new territory and stretching myself beyond my normal creative means, I stayed up way past my bedtime last night putting the finishing touches on the audio experiment I'm sharing here with you today.  I realize that making this endeavor public may be a risky move - given the sensitivity the subject matter - but I'm putting aside even my own reservations in the name of free expression.  Not only that, but I'm also really proud of how it turned out and simply couldn't wait to get it out there!

That said, follow the link below to have a listen.  If I get enough positive responses, I might be inclined to post more of my creative explorations in the future.  I hope you enjoy this one:

Lyrics:  Let's cast away the past and start fresh / Give me a chance to be the best bet you ever placed / Do not erase / The history we have is precious (in spite of us) // Girl, you got me runnin' in circles / I'm such a mess / God willin', to be blessed, to put this duress to rest / I'm nothin' without you in my life / I long to earn your love so bad it hurts / I never realized - for turnin' a blind eye and takin' for granted - that I, I neglected to be there for the love of my life / And I regret it / Say what you will / I'm not so bad, I'm just sad / I went a little crazy the day I found out you were unhappy [ I can't stand that look in you eyes ] / How can you blame me //

The Good Things In Life

At the recommendation of someone very near and dear to me, I write this blog as a means of boosting my sense of self worth and self confidence.  As many of you know, I've been doing a great deal of soul searching lately - focusing probably far too much on areas of myself where I feel I have significant room for growth and development - and while I struggle to show significant progress in any of those areas from one day to the next, I forget to reflect on all the things I'm doing well.  So, I hope you'll all indulge me while I toot my own horn.

I'm a young man still in years, and consider myself to be quite attractive.  I like to think I have a unique fashion sense that sets me apart from the rest - at least, on days when I make an effort to dress myself accordingly.  I'm a bright man capable of producing bright ideas with what seems like little effort in my eyes - which shows most predominantly in my work, as well as in my occasionally in my creative pursuits.  I'm a solid writer with an extensive vocabulary and a defined written voice (in fact, people frequently tell me they like the way I present my thoughts on this very blog).  I have a knack for design, which translates to a number of varied applications, and an this is largely either fed or feeds my natural sense of organization and symmetry.  I'm color blind, but I have a sense of humor about it - at least in that it has on more than one occasion presented me with the opportunity to engage in conversation with total strangers as to the precise color of various materials and coordinates (most of which I plan to buy for others... best to be sure).  I'm a musician, which begs no further justification.  I mean, that's just flat out awesome!  *grin*

I'm quite adept when it comes to interacting with technology.  I like to think I have a well refined and sensible taste overall.  I'm friendly.  I'm funny.  Witty, even.  I know a lot about pop culture, and do well to keep up with trends.  I've never lost a game of SceneIt! at my house (even though I've seen less than half of the movies I can somehow correctly answer questions about).  I know how to successfully complete a Sudoku puzzle.  I'm a whiz when it comes to crafting an effective Magic deck - at least, when inspiration strikes - and have even gone out and won a couple top 8 spots on the highly competitive local tournament scene.  I own every non-MMO core series Final Fantasy title released in the US, and have finished all but maybe two of them.  I can make my dog stay - even after I leave food on the floor and walk out of the room.  I'm always thirsty for knowledge, and have recently enrolled in school to pursue what some like to call 'higher learning'.  I make good money.  I have a decent car (that's paid for).  My signature looks like that of a doctor or a celebrity, yet people comment often on how neat my handwriting is - even though I use all capital letters all the time, and have a tendency to write very small.

I have toys at my desk at work.  Legos.  Star Wars figures.  My couch has a throw on it featuring a giant, true to form, hand stitched black mage.  I know about Finn and Jake, and have even cosplayed the duo to remarkable acclaim.  I like that I can cook (when I try).  I believe in ghosts, though I've never actually seen one.  I can't sleep unless I have a fan going.  I prefer baths to showers - complete with bubbles and salts.  I can drink whiskey straight without cringing, and of late I've developed quite a taste for exotic red wines.  I've been to Europe, flown several times - mostly for business - and have seen the ocean enough times to know that my favorite sound in the world is the sound of waves rolling in.  I like the moon better than the sun.  I wear a hat pretty much whenever I can.  I like that my facial hair changes every two weeks.  The fact that I have a hookah on my coffee table.  And I feel like I should mention my love for all things Japanese...

I could go on and on and on, but it's late and I need not bore you with anything further.  *happy sigh*  This was a therapeutic excercise!  And I encourage you, my readers, to try something similar the next time you're feeling down.  Live and love as often as you can!

Thanks, mom, for recommending that I do this!  I love you!

Second Chances

 
I'd like to think it's never too late to have a fresh start.  This week - after about a month long hiatus - I decided it was time to get my name back out into the world of 'social media'.  However, it was not lightly I came to that decision.  For my departing this world was not on good terms.  I'd like to quote a very wise man who once said, "With great power comes great responsibility."  That's largley the reason I'm back - to show that I can be responsible.  That I've grown a bit since my last foray into this highly addictive little corner of the inter-webs.  That said, I hope those who enjoyed reading my random musings are happy to see me back in action.  I know I, for one, am most certainly pleased to be!  *grin*

In the nature of new beginnings, I return with a character in mind.  An avatar other than myself to deliver my random musings - at least, the less personal ones - to you all.  In the most epic of fashions.  So please join me in welcoming the NEW Epic Juicebox.  100% Juice.  No artificial ingredients.  Naturally sweetened!

My Mind Wanders

I have a problem - an understatement if ever there was such a thing.  I am experiencing a crisis of faith.  Of hope.  And of love.  All that remain, and all called to question.  I'll spare you, my readers, the details that have rattled me so, suffice it to say that I find myself looking ever upon a person to set my mind at ease.  The tragedy here is that I know better.  I chase rabbits knowing that I could never catch one.  Not on my own.  I see enemies where I should see friends.  And I die when I should live.  They say the first step to recovering from a problem is admitting that you have one.  But they don't tell you that you're bound to stumble repeatedly along the way.  Believe me, friends, when I say that my body and soul are battered and bruised.  I have stumbled more than any man should stumble - any man, that is, who knows so well the better as I do.

I don't pretend to know where I'm going.  What I'm doing.  Not anymore.  How can any of us know when we are so fatally flawed by nature?  The comfort here is that we don't have to know.  Because He knows.  We need only to learn to have faith in Him.  And to let Him do what He does.  It's not an easy lesson, but it's one that I keep coming back to over and over again.  One I pray every day that I'll learn.  And God willing, that I'll learn before it's too late.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.  Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen."

Letting Go

For the last month, I've been fighting myself to relinquish control of my life and the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today.  I keep trying to let go of the wheel.  Over and over.  I even tell myself that, "This is it, I'm backing away.  Starting... now!" - and sometimes, I manage to do it.  I succeed.  But because I'm human.  Because of myself and what motivates me, I inevitably freak out and reach desperately for the wheel.  It never sticks.  I start fighting to regain control.  Over and over.  Again.  And again.  And again.

This week, however... something happened.  Through a series of seemingly random events or coincidences - whatever you want to call them - I was primed for and ultimately delivered a very important message.  A message that I might not have been ready to receive had it come at any other point in my life.  And I'm finding the more I think on it that this message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  You see, instead of just letting go.  Instead of backing away.  Instead of giving up... what I need to work on is giving control over to Someone *hint* a little more capable than myself.  I can't 'fix' this.  Neither can a therapist, or a book, or an article, etc.  I need help.  And I've finally taken my first real step toward getting that help - by closing my eyes, bowing my head, and asking for it.

A friend asked me over dinner yesterday, "Where do all the desperate people go?"  If you want the answer to that question, ask me where I'll be Sunday morning.

Food for Thought

Imagine every day, you eat a piece of cake.  Magical cake, with all manner of mystical powers.  Each bite containing an ingredient makes you feel special.  Euphoric.  It boosts your confidence.  And even occasionally shows you glimpses of a glamorous, carefree future - filled only with happiness and excitement.  Now imagine that every time you eat a piece of that cake, it causes someone close to you - someone you care a great deal about - to feel a horrible, gut-wrenching pain.  Deep and agonizing.  The kind of pain that chisels away at the heart, mind, body, and soul.  Imagine also that you're well aware of the pain you're causing.  Yet every day, you eat a piece of cake.


Now, you have to make a decision.  And we've all been there.  Sometimes, making a decision can be difficult.  And when you're the one eating the cake - or smoking the cigarette, or having the drink, etc. - it can be very easy to put aside the heartache that you know your actions are causing.  Best intentions and all.  Because the cake is good!  However, I implore you - the next time you go to take a bite, please remember these five short, sweet little words: the cake is a lie.

Let's Build a Fire

 
I don't know how well my readers know me, but I'm a huge fan of the metaphor.  I like to use simple concepts and imagery to describe complex relationships and the inner-workings of the human mind.  For example: love is a battlefield.  Today, I thought of one that really helped me understand what marriage is all about.  You can't start a fire and expect it to burn forever... unless you're willing to stir things up once in awhile.  Toss another log on the heap now and again.  Also, why build a fire if you're not going to enjoy it?!

Such is a marriage.  And in essence, such is life.

If you're fortunate enough to find yourself currently basking in the warm, comforting glow of a committed relationship, take a minute to think about that.  Ask yourself, "Have I poked my fire today?" (go ahead, laugh).  Then, remind yourself to be careful the next time you do.  Because there's an art to it.  A certain skill - and sadly, this is another one of life's 'easy to learn/hard to master' lessons.  It is possible to stifle a fire.  Even smother it out completely.  [Editorial: If this happens, don't sweat it - you can always try to build a new one!]  Just bear in mind that the goal is to always build it up.  Make it burn bigger.  Brighter.  Hotter.  Longer.  Also, remember that no matter how small a fire may get... it still burns.  The flames could be a distant memory, and the smoldering ashes would still remember the heat like it never left.  And if you take care to add just the right amount of wood and stir things around in just the right way, you CAN get that fire going again!

Such is marriage.  And in essence, such is life.  Thank you for reading!

Look Good, Feel Good

 

Over the course of the past year, I've experienced a gradual depreciation in self confidence that came to a head when an avalanche nearly knocked me off the slopes at the first of the New Year.  I've been fighting exhaustively to keep stable footing - looking anywhere and everywhere I can to find ways to build myself back up - and in spite of the intense fatigue that lingers in my rear view, I'm finally beginning to move in the opposite direction.  Gaining ground and going up!

It's an amazing feeling.  Energizing.  Invigorating.  And while I can't say the adage to which I've dedicated this entry has everything to do with it, I can say that it has certainly played a vital role.  Lately, I've been going through my wardrobe and pulling out all the stuff I used to wear when I wanted to look awesome.  Fortunately enough, I recently lost about 15 lbs. - thanks to some significant changes in my diet, and enrollment in the CFJ5K program - which means lot of it fits about like it did 'back in the day' (quite a confidence booster in and of itself). I'm working on growing my hair out a little longer, too.  Trying my best to be creative in the meantime.  Styling it different ways.  Using different product.  And I know this doesn't exactly fit, but I've been squirting myself with cologne every day for a while now.  Look Good.  Feel Good.  Smell Good.

All of this probably sounds terribly superficial, but the proof is in the pudding.  I like who I see when I look in the mirror a little more every day.  And I think those closest to me are beginning to feel the impact of that change in reflection in a very positive way.  It may have started with the surface, but it runs much deeper.  The closer I get to looking the way I want to look, the closer I get to feeling the way I want to feel.  Acting the way I want to act.  That may sound backwards.  Maybe it is.  But take it or leave it... it's working for me.

I guess the ultimate reason I wanted to share this story today is twofold: 1) to let all my readers know that I'm doing much better [read: life is much better] since my last entry, and 2) to encourage any of you who may be looking for a way to reinvent or rediscover your sense of self to start with the outside and work your way in.  And let me know how it all works out!