Letting Go

For the last month, I've been fighting myself to relinquish control of my life and the circumstances that have brought me to where I am today.  I keep trying to let go of the wheel.  Over and over.  I even tell myself that, "This is it, I'm backing away.  Starting... now!" - and sometimes, I manage to do it.  I succeed.  But because I'm human.  Because of myself and what motivates me, I inevitably freak out and reach desperately for the wheel.  It never sticks.  I start fighting to regain control.  Over and over.  Again.  And again.  And again.

This week, however... something happened.  Through a series of seemingly random events or coincidences - whatever you want to call them - I was primed for and ultimately delivered a very important message.  A message that I might not have been ready to receive had it come at any other point in my life.  And I'm finding the more I think on it that this message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.  You see, instead of just letting go.  Instead of backing away.  Instead of giving up... what I need to work on is giving control over to Someone *hint* a little more capable than myself.  I can't 'fix' this.  Neither can a therapist, or a book, or an article, etc.  I need help.  And I've finally taken my first real step toward getting that help - by closing my eyes, bowing my head, and asking for it.

A friend asked me over dinner yesterday, "Where do all the desperate people go?"  If you want the answer to that question, ask me where I'll be Sunday morning.